Cultural Crossings

Early in our relationship, Daniel and I realized that one of our greatest sources of miscommunication is that I read way too much into what he says, and he doesn't always choose his words carefully before speaking. After two and a half years, this is a cultural miscommunication that still trips us up and makes us laugh...later. Sometimes much later.

Last weekend, Daniel made the mistake of telling his Type A, ultra-competitive, Taiwanese-American wife that it seemed like she was having a "loungy" day.

What Daniel meant: "Looks like you're taking it easy, so I'm not going to give you sources of stress like making you get dressed to go out in blustery weather."

What I heard: "You're lazing about and not doing things that you should be doing."

An hour later, I was doing laundry and preparing to cook dinner while trying to hunt down our wayward Roomba. Daniel looked up and asked, "Do you feel guilty because I said you were lounging?" I nodded, and the conversation continued.

"Can I say, 'You're taking it easy today'?"

"Nope."

"Can I say, 'You look like you're comfortable right now'?"

"Nope."

"Can I say, 'You look like you needed a break'?"

"Nope."

"What about, 'You look cute in your lounge wear'?"

Pause. "Maybe."

It's one of those moments in which you can recognize that your response is irrational, but you still can't help it. It's the same reason why Daniel has to wait until my back is turned to toss out old food so that I don't try to salvage the edible parts. Or why his ratty tee shirts mysteriously disappear during the occasional round of laundry. Thankfully, he's learning what words tend to trigger these responses, while I'm gradually learning to take his words at face value. The counter to that is that he knows exactly what I mean when I make statements like, "I haven't seen the Roomba all day."

What I mean: "Daniel, find it."

What he hears: "Daniel, Alice wants you to find it but she's saying it in some convoluted, roundabout way."

What he says: "I am not your finder of things!"

Twenty minutes later, he'll find the Roomba hiding under furniture or lost in the laundry room. Communication achieved.